Advanced Beat Hazard: Dual Strike
by mttspiii
Summary: Advance Wars COs - sans Days of Ruin - find themselves in space, fighting side by side with Sturm's family with an odd weapons system nicknamed the "Beat Hazard". In a sitcom setting, generally. Makes sense? No. But, yeah.
1. Chapter 1: Introduction

It was a nice and dandy day in Wars World, where the people clamored for peace but are somehow; well the name of their planet should be an indicator enough of what kind of planet and what kind of people residing in it really are.

Meanwhile, two aliens in their spacecar have entered the atmosphere of this crapsaccharine world that is Wars World, and found Orange Star HQ in Macro Land

"Sir, an unidentified vehicle is coming our way sir."

A bright flash of light later, various CO's throughout Wars World found themselves in a nice, futuristic lounge with a fireplace, impeccably white sofas and walls, a bunch of abstract paintings, and a panoramic view of outer space.

"OUTER SPACE!" the CO's blurted with horror, or mystery, or curiosity, or just-to-say-that-for fun-ity.

Then, two aliens walked into their lounge.

"Sturm!" The Allied CO's said collectively.

"You!" The Macro Land Black Hole CO's said collectively, except for Hawke.

"How?" The Omega Land Black Hole CO's said collectively.

Hawke retained his composure.

One of the aliens, the one that looks like Sturm but wearing a male's smart casual attire, then extended his appendage to 'shake hands'. All CO's stepped back and readied themselves for a fight, except for Andy who thought the alien was handing out candy. So Andy 'shook hands' with the weird alien, and felt a weird, tingling sensation. "Whoa!"

The humanoid aliens then held appendages. "We're sorry Andy for that shock. We needed to know how you Wars Worldians communicate, so we tapped your neurons. And oh, how impolite of us. I'm Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh, and this is my wife Bbefulfhdilthbjedgshjfasm. You must have met our son Sturm back in Wars World, right?"

Hawke felt extremely tense, and prepared his Black Storm.

The Allied CO's then expressed their condolence for Sturm's death.

"Aww, Sturmy. Don't worry about him, he's okay. He's with us now, and is upstairs in his room. We cloned him when he died; no biggie. In fact, we should be the ones offering condolences due to what Sturm did to your planet. He was just supposed to fetch a song for our Beat Hazard device, but it seems he got…carried away in your wars."

"A song?" Sami inquired.

"Yes. You see, outer space is not exactly a kind place to be. There are space rocks, space drones, bigger space drones, and stuff. They call themselves..the Yor Collective, and they are trying to evacuate us from our beloved home planet to make a way for an interstellar hyperspace expressway."

"But you still did not explain why a song."

"Ah, yes. The Beat Hazard device is our only defense against the Yor. It uses music to power up its laser beams. Odd thing though, we made this device except we don't comprehend sound as well as you do. Sturmy already had a song, but doesn't want to use it. He seems too depressed after what happened to him back in your place. But don't worry, it's just tantrums."

After a long discussion concerning the ethics of kidnapping, the ethics of killing one's son, the ethics of home preservation and appeal for assistance, and a schematic diagram for the Beat Hazard device (as requested by Lash), the Wars Worldians agreed to help the Sturms.


	2. Chapter 2: Advance Wars Sitcom Special

"You know, this looks like it could do some damage. Whee!" Lash then went on exploring the advanced alien science behind the Beat Hazard device.

It was the first day that all of the Wars World CO's were out of their planet. Random rocks drift outside the oxygenated bunker where Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh and its family let them kindly stay, after abducting them first. Lash was already up tinkering with the alien weapon known as the Beat Hazard device, while Sonja was snooping around inspecting the shower looking for hidden cameras. Nell and Grit were chatting in the living room at the coffee table; now that the squabbles between Orange Star and Blue Moon were literally very far away from them now, perhaps they could reconnect without all the fuss of jingoistic politics and now be more open to each other, as they once were.

While the two were warming up to each other after all the winters they had warred before, the other commanders were watching Grimm scarf down the doughnuts the aliens had just cooked for breakfast.

"Er, Grimm, ever wondered where those doughnuts came from?" Sensei asked his friend.

"Dunno, don't care. They're doughnuts!"

Adder and Flak were watching as well. Noticing that his fellow deserter-CO was beginning to drool on Colin's cap (thankfully the kid didn't notice), he then motioned to Flak, as if to whisper something. "You know, doughnuts are tasty. Why should he be eating them all? No, YOU should be eating them all..."

Flak's face straightened up, then turned towards Grimm and the doughnuts, and suddenly grabbed the plate. In addition, he also bit the doughnut Grimm was holding up to his mouth, and then sneered. "MINE! All mine!"

"Hey, what's the big idea? Were you picking a rumble with me lad? Then let's rock!" Grimm said while standing up, cracking his knuckles and his fat neck.

The other commanders then held back the two, with Max grabbing Flak's arms while Kanbei draws his sword, holding it against them. Eagle and Sami each grasped one of Grimm's arms while Drake stood in front of the smiling Grimm. Adder snickered.

Grimm then loosened his tension, as the commanders released him. He then pointed a finger at Adder "You, thin pale guy in the back, if you want to get some meat on your bones, you could've asked for donuts."

"Hey, nobody talks like that to my friend!" Flak raged, as Max nearly lost his grip.

Kindle was nearby, admiring the avant-garde designs of the aliens' house. Noticing the commotion at the kitchen (she's too posh to cook though), she looked behind her at the brawl and snidely remarked "Adder, did _you_ have friends?"

The Allied CO's tried to stifle their laughter, but could not. Even Hawke smiled at the remark. Adder frowned at her. Jugger also shook as if laughing inside its giant spherical casing. "Awkwardness level over 9000. Very witty madam."

"Er, I don't get it. What's so funny?" Flak wondered.

Grit looked at the poor dim-witted ape-guy. "You don't get it? It's okay...with a mind like yours it's amazing that your units could hit the broad side of a barn. Say, do you know where doughnuts come from, big guy?"

Flak was taken aback by the question. He never though about that, or anything much really. "Uh, er, the donut animal?"

Grit twitched his eyebrow. "Strange, I was expecting that answer to be from Andy. Where's the kid by the way?"

Andy, as usual, was asleep. It was, after all, just breakfast. Not even the sound of artillery could wake him up until it was lunch.

"Man, you popped membranes or what? Donuts no matter how down or out it is don't come from animals, they're from plants. You fool, or just busted lightbulbs?" Needless to say, that was Jake's not-so-English explanation.

"Er, so donuts come from...vegetables?" After three seconds of furious mental analysis, marked by furrows on Flak's helmet-obscured forehead, he continued. "Yuck. I don't like vegetables. Here, you can have the donuts." Flak then put the plate of doughnuts on the table, and everybody else got one. Except for Kindle, who would not dare stain her nails with such poor-peoples' food.

Suddenly red lightbulbs popped out from the ceiling as the rang. Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh looked at the lights, and exhaled some grayish-blue smoke. "Oh no, it's the Yor!"


	3. Chapter 3: The Beat Hazard Device

The aliens quickly motioned to some elevator at the living room, hidden among the various abstract artworks, obscured as a rather large silvery-white blob with black and milky gray inlays. "Quick! Hangar's this way!"

The CO's followed the aliens toward the elevator as well. "What's a hangar?" Andy wondered while running.

Somehow, despite there being a lot of CO's, the elevator was still big enough to carry them all. As a bonus, the elevator managed to be not just a simple elevator, but more of a glassy blobwork that changes colour to go with the furniture. Kindle touched the mercurial material that seemed to form the frame of the fragile-looking cab. "Swanky."

The elevator quickly dropped down towards the hangar, located deeper within the space rock where the CO's and Sturm's family resides. Inside the large hangar, the ridiculously large family garage, lies a rather large spacecrraft with wings. It was a rather dark shade of metallic grey, with light blue accents at the near-rectangular wings nearest the body. From each wing a rather fat tube emerged forward, parallel to the cockpit, terminating in two sharp tips.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the craft where the Beat Hazard device is. It soars and hovers through space, dispensing justice in an array of brilliant dazzling lights that could knock out even the most hardened of enemy spacecraft. We developed it to destroy incoming asteroids...and yes it is powered by music. The ship, we have. The music, well that's your contribution."

"Kewl! Lemme ride!" Lash suddenly broke out of the line of COs, rushing towards the ship before being held back by Olaf.

"Oh no you little...lest you turn this asteroid of ours into my hometown AGAIN! Thinking of which, maybe this ship needs a little Blue Moon touch..."

"Respectfully I speak to you, but I think so not. This machine resembles an aero-plane, and thus I believe that it should be piloted by Eagle."

"Thanks, Javier, now let's go and rush towards them; time is of the essence...aw now look, I speak like him!"

Sami giggled a bit, and suddenly blushed as all the CO's looked at her. "_Awkward_...Er... I nominate Andy, since he's a good mechanic?"

"Yeah, thanks Sami! Er, what's a 'mechanic'?"

Adder hissed. "Hmm, has Orange Star's educational system been sacrificed that much, heh heh..."

Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh, the father of Sturm, butted in. "Please, please, no more in-fighting. This is our War Room. Now, to be fair, let's draw lots then."

The COs agreed. Naturally, Nell was lucky. She was to be the first to fly the ship, and bring hell down on the Yor [as the Vogons are assigned somewhere else].

"Now, good. Madame Nell, do you know how to use the Beat Hazard device? No, obviously not, forgive me for asking you that."

Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh got into the ship through a ventral hatch. Through the loudspeaker, he addressed the bunch from inside the ship. "Now let me demonstrate how this device, this machine of elegant sonic defense of the realms work. And to show how much we thank you for cooperating with us for this long, we would use this nice song from Miss..._I can't quite read this_...Mynogg? Heh, whatever, we just traded songs while she was out in space herself, as she Put Yourself in My Place"


	4. Chapter 4: I Should Be So Lucky, Part 1

"Ladies and gentlemen, please observe my actions as I use Miss Mynogg's sonic creation, I Should Be So Lucky, to show how grateful we are - and lucky - to have you around willing to man this device for defending our home. And to Madame Nell, who is lucky enough to be the first to pilot this ship, we wholeheartedly dedicate this to you. It suits you, really."

Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh spoke through an in-ship microphone connected through the whole hangar, making the whole rock they live in reverberate. Flipping an infrared-coloured switch, the spaceship roars to life as an ultraviolet puff of smoke leaves its exhaust.

"Now, you can all watch from the screen over there." Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh said as he sped off, ready to defend his home against the full might of the Yor Collective.

"First things first, you fire with the Beat Hazard device, mounted at the front of the ship. Upgrades makes it hit harder, and opens up auxiliary firing ports at various wonky angles at the front of the spaceship. Since I'm an Elite pilot, I already have them all pimped up, as you shall too, but if you lose your ship you'll have to fly all over space crashing into space crates to stick those upgrades onto you. On 'flying' this thing, navigation is largely stuck at two dimensions...

Eagle interrupted. "But why? Isn't it much easier to evade enemies with a third dimension? I'm a pilot; I should know..."

Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh answered "Er, out in space the whole spatial orientation thing would be quite difficult; it often means a lot of sick bags. It is also a good strategy, since apart from leaving you less confused, it leaves the Yor _more_ confused since their highly logical robotic minds couldn't understand why we are not using proper strategies; it creeps them out. It freaks them out. And lastly, there's a Material Emancipation Grill system here somewhere, so we'd better be safe and steer clear of them. Even the Yor had lots of problems with that as well."

"A Material Em-Emancipation...excuse me sir Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh but what is that?"

"Er, Colin, I'm not too sure as well. All I know is that it fries anything that passes through it, be it our ship or the Yor. Its emitters had the markings of a certain 'Aperture Science'; its manufacturer presumably. Must've been leftovers from its very dangerous dabbling into highly advanced shower curtain wormholing technology; we detected huge anomalies over the Immaterium where those Emancipation Grids came from; led to an outbreak of Chaos Spawns all over, some even entering the bathroom. We dispatched them quickly, but it seems that most of the Warp daemons got to the Yor instead. Heh, lucky us. So, meanwhile, back to the battlefield."

Rocks calmly float all over as Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh effortlessly evades them. "First things first guys, try to withhold fire as much as possible. It increases something we call a 'Multipler', which increases our Score greatly. The Multiplier could also be increased by running into random space crates like these, labeled with a big '+1' or whatever integer."

"Wait, so in dire situations like these where you pick up people from their own worlds, you still keep Scores? Homeland defense is just a game to you all?"

"Now now then, Olaf, we know your hometown is ripped apart by Lash, but then these scores are necessary. I think. It buoys our morale by competition, and lowers their morale as well."

"We robots know no morale." Jugger butted in.

"Err, not really morale - morale as we know it, rather, morale - effectivity in combat. You see, their minds tend to fry a little bit for feats of daring like that since crashing into random space crates isn't logical in times of war, and they can't ignore illogical actions. It fries the Yor central computers a bit, helps keep them down for a little longer as they take almost **forever** trying to make tactics against us; the game and Score system keeps them off the edge. So...ships incoming. Just watch a bit."

A bunch of tiny little spaceships appear on screen, a third of the size of the Beat Hazard ship, silver in colour with hints of black and red at their rear. "Those, are Scouts. They are passively suicidal drones that you may crash into, but don't. It destroys your ship and forces us to send a spare ship from here through the Warp, just in time to catch you as you drift around in space in the midst of a giant explosion. We do have limited ships here, so do try to not die often, eh? Wreck the Scouts if necessary; the Beat Hazard device works fine."

In my imagination  
>there is no hesitation...<p>

Scouts simply zoom by as they try to surround the enemy ship. "One more thing here, be careful when you steer the ship. We still have problems with the retrorockets, so you'll be having the total braking distance of a Battleship. It may cost you your ship just crashing into Scouts or space rocks."

A predominantly red ship zooms in, with wings the shape of a peanut and filled with white stripes. "Those are Fighters. They fire pathetically-slow Proton Torpedoes, which wreck your ship, and also could crash into you, which also wrecks your ship. Dispatch of them with the Beat Hazard device as well, and those Photon Torpedoes, just outrun them."

Andy looked confused. "What do you mean with that Beat Hazard..."

"Shoot at them kid." Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh replied as his ship whizzed into the path of a circular crate with a logo of an old-fashioned circular, black bomb moving in a 'downwards direction'. "Now, these are B.O.M.B. powerups. They give you bombs, short for Big Ordinance, Multidirectional, Bomb., which you activate with this other trigger here, which spreads out a massive spectacle of energy all over, destroying stuff all over."

"Like my Black Bomb!" Lash gleefully said.

Hawke looked at the hyper little wunderkid. "You don't say."

The crate crashes into the ship, and as the bubblewrap crate punctures a spherical B.O.M.B. bomb then latches magnetically onto the hull, rolling into the ship's bomb bay where other bombs are kept.

To demonstrate what he meant, Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh deployed the bomb as Yor Bombers closed by. A brilliant blast of light emerged from the spherical B.O.M.B. as it spread out from slightly underneath the ship. The massive wave of energy crumpled metal after metal, turned missiles into space dust and disrupted Photon Torpedoes so badly that they simply collapsed into themselves into naught, and tore a massive hole in the Yor forces. It also briefly ionized the hull of Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh's ship, repelling pesky pieces of metal and metallic space rock that could have had damaged the ship.

"Uh-oh, more bombers..." Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh motioned towards the large squadron of rather big ships, slightly larger than the Beat Hazard ship itself and colored a menacing matte gray, adorned with a dash of red and glossy black. The ships have evaded the explosion of the B.O.M.B., and are quite tough compared to Scouts or Fighters, but were quickly destroyed by the throbbing, pulsing power of the SAW song channeled through the mysterious Beat Hazard device.

"Er, Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh, what are those?" Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh looked behind him to see not just one, but two very, very large, fully-independent ships with a pair of wings each, with each wing laden with _two_ twin-cannon turrets the size of the Beat Hazard ship engine block, adding up to a total of _sixteen_ cannons from thw two ships, all aimed at the Beat Hazard device.

Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh replied. "Bosses." A massive barrage of furious Photon Torpedoes zeroed in on Abrgnjgftgebthynujymh's ship.

Will he make it? Stay tuned, for _the next episode..._


End file.
